How the Huns Invented Rugby
...it is but of course a true story!
Once upon a time there was a quaint little country known as Mongolia that was populated by a race of people who were all hyperactive during their formative years. We say they were only hyper during their formative years, but the average Hun (for that is what they called themselves) never really completely finished forming. To release their pent-up energy, the Huns would kill people. Since it was considered impolite to kill people at night, the Huns drank themselves into a catatonic state by imbibing great quantities of strange fermented liquids – the potency of which has only been matched in modern day by the Worm-Killing Tequila. It was a happy time in Mongolia with all the killing and drinking and all.
One year, a stranger wearing a red coat and carrying a case of gifts spoke of the time after Turkey Killing Day (the day where turkeys were killed instead of people) and before the Night of the Bubbly Fermented Liquid Frenzy and proclaimed it a time called the holiday season. He said that killing people during this time was a very rude thing to do since the rest of the world was pretty much in a good mood and going around being nice to each other. The Huns listened, considered the stranger’s words, and then promptly killed him – since it was not yet Turkey Killing Day.
When the day came for the turkey frenzy, the Huns decided to be polite (since a polite race of people they were) and follow the advice of the strange traveler who was no longer traveling, but lying in a heap by the dinner table. The celebration of their civil ways led to much drinking and many catatonic states, but this only proved to be a sufficient distraction for about thirty minutes before the hyper nature of the Huns demanded that unadulterated violent acts be performed.
Finally, one Hun had the idea of killing people who were already dead. And to demonstrate his brainstorm (very rare in Mongolia) he went and pulled the head off the stranger’s carcass with a certain look of glee. He drew such joy from the act that he began to run around all of Mongolia celebrating the brazen act. He was so excited that he outran everyone who wanted to get a good look at the rotund white thing he seemed to be so excited about.
After many Himalayas were jaunted over and around, he finally began to tire and long for some fermented liquid. So he tossed the pale round head to a fellow Hun who was desperately trying to catch up to him. When the first chaser saw he was about to solve the mystery of the what the white thing in the arms of the fellow Hun was, he burst ahead in sweet anticipation of solving the mystery. When he saw it was the head of the man with the dreaded holiday news, he ran and jumped for joy with a pack of Huns chasing him. This continued for many moons.
The heavier, larger, and tougher of the Huns almost began eating people again. They preferred to swill more fermentment than jaunt Himalayas, and by the time they bored of their catatonic states and killing of dead people, the head was nowhere to be found. When all the dead were really dead they began to butt heads in-between catatonic states. When this wasn’t enough, they began to butt heads while other people pushed on each contestant from behind. And when this wasn’t enough, they lined up three people to butt heads with three other people with a whole slew of people to slam them together.
Just when they were bored with this, the Himalaya Jaunters returned with the head and showed it to the Butters who recognized the goodness of the severed head. They immediately discovered the joy of caressing the head while running at full speed into each other. The Butters became known as the Bangers.
Issues developed when the Jaunters were no longer tired and they wanted their head back, but the Bangers were having so much fun, they refused to let Jaunters have it. Things were starting to look bad.
Then came a Hun known only as Grim. Grim knew that after the day of the bubbly fermented swill, it would be time to start killing people again, and that killing was more fun when you had the jaunters chasing people down just so the Bangers could bang into them, and he knew that a solution must be found or the killing might not occur. He proclaimed himself a banger in a Jaunter’s body and held up a book from the crate that the man had left behind, and spoke “I know when to bang, and when to jaunt. Soon killing must commence, and I will let all know when to bang and when to jaunt by passing the great white round trophy.” The Huns saw it was good, and after the bubbly fermented drinking day, they went to Europe to kill people, and the day was grand.
It is said that a pansy prince not wanting to be killed looked down upon the Huns from his tower, and saw amidst the killing the alternating of the banging, and the jaunting that corresponded to the passing of the mysterious white moldy looking thing, and he became curious. At night, when the Huns are polite, he approached the one known as Grim, and learned of the story and was invited to partake in the fermented liquid. The morning after, with head hung, and before being killed, he wrote the story in his diary which was discovered in the 18th century by a historian at the college of Rugby.
And now you know how the Huns – with the help of a little holiday spirit – invented rugby.